When I don’t want to live


I believe there are very few people in this world that have never heard that nagging thought, “I do not want to live.” Have you ever had so much pain in your life that you had a hard time shaking self destructive thoughts? We have seen suicide on the rise for many years. You hear so many opinions from  “It is so selfish” to “How could they do it to their family?” But if you have never been in their shoes, you cannot begin to understand that type of pain.

More often than I would like to say, I hear a client tell me that they want to die. What they are really saying is, “I can’t take this pain any longer. I want to stop hurting.” I remember a time in my own life when I had constant suicidal thoughts.  As a young wife and mother I had no idea that every thought that comes into my mind does not originate from me. We have an enemy that hates us! Most people just don’t get that fact! The people that I have seen that struggle with these thoughts have so much potential. They may not know it but they are influencers. (Influencers are NOT perfect.) The evil one wants to do everything he can to stop that person from making any difference in anyone’s life. They are a threat to the kingdom of darkness. But it’s not just about other people. The devil also wants to keep us miserable, angry, bitter and hopeless. Jesus died to break the power of sin in our lives and to give us a way out of this pain. (In some cases, suicidal thoughts can definitely come from a chemical imbalance and medication is needed. There is NO shame in taking medication. Other times, certain medications can cause suicidal thoughts. It is crucial that you get to a doctor if you are struggling with these types of thoughts.)

Yes, Jesus died to give you real life but someone else died on the cross too. Galatians 2:20 tells us that Jesus not only died for us but He took us with Him to the cross. The “old you”, the independent you that will try to make life work on your own, the person that get’s stuck walking after the flesh, the person that struggles every day to put one foot in front of the other, the person that get’s deceived and believes lies DIED.  (I know it doesn’t “feel” like it but truth is what God says, regardless of how you feel, think or act.) Jesus didn’t just suffer on the cross to hand you a ticket to heaven. He died so that we could be reconciled to God. He died so we could have intimacy with Himself. He died to rescue us from sin, bondage, addiction and living a hopeless life. He died to give you “real life!” Eternal life is not just about the future. We can experience “real life” now!

BUT…..you may say….”Why am I in pain and what am I suppose to do with this pain?” Jesus tells us, “In this world you will have trouble…YET I have overcome the world.” (John 16:33) When I began to understand that Jesus lives IN me and that when I hurt HE hurts, so much changed in my thinking. I WAS NOT ALONE IN MY PAIN! (Read Hebrews 4:15 and John 14:20) One of the most painful emotions is loneliness. Jesus died so that we would NEVER be alone again. HE loves you more than you could ever imagine. And HE cares about all you are going through.

When I began to understand my flesh patterns and recognize the many lies I was believing in my head, I began to experience relief. I’ll never forget my counselor explaining Romans 6:6 and Galatians 2:20 to me. My eyes lit up and I had a thought that I believe originated from the Holy Spirit. “I don’t have to kill myself, Jesus already did it!”  That young girl that looks at herself in the mirror and says, “I hate you!” is NOT who I am. Jesus rescued me from that girl! He crucified her, buried her and raised her up a new creation in Christ! BUT THE ENEMY WILL DO EVERYTHING HE CAN TO KEEP YOU FROM HEARING THIS TRUTH AND BELIEVING THIS TRUTH! It’s time we put him in his place. According to Ephesians 1:20-22 and 2:6 we are spiritually already seated with Christ in the Heavenly AND HE has the enemy under his feet! If you are In Christ, which you are, that means the enemy is under your feet too!!! Call his bluff!!!

The only power he really has over us is in the deception. If we believe life is hopeless or my life is over, we are being deceived. So take your pain to Jesus. Ask HIM, “Why have you allowed this pain in my life and what do you want to show me?” Gen. 50:20 tells us what the enemy meant for evil, God meant for good. I have to say that so much good eventually came out of a tremendous amount of pain in my own life. Jesus can make beauty out of ashes. Surrender to Jesus and His plan to set you free and use the power Jesus has given you to put the enemy and his plan for you out of your mind. Yes, he has a plan for your life too. A friend once told me when I entertain the thoughts of the enemy, I am holding hands with the enemy. That visual made me shiver! I don’t have to entertain his thoughts and you don’t either! Phil. 4:13 says, “We can do ALL things through Christ who strengthens us.” Phil 3:10 says, “When we join into the fellowship of his suffering, we WILL experience the power of his resurrection.” In other words, know that in your pain there is a bonding with Jesus. He hurts with you! But resurrection day is coming!

If you find yourself in this mindset this week, please call a friend. Bring the thoughts out into the light! Thoughts kept inside of our heads grow in strength and power. The enemy is talking to you. But so is someone else. Open your ears and heart to God and allow Him to use the body of Christ to minister to you. We need each other! That’s just how God created us. And it’s an honor for you to trust a friend enough to tell them your deepest hurts. Don’t fall for the enemies lies. You can tell someone. He knows if you keep it to yourself that you are more vulnerable to his lies. Jesus is THE TRUTH, THE WAY and THE LIFE and we are HIS body. So choose truth! Choose HIM! Choose other’s in the body to hurt with you and pray with you to the ONE who understands it all!