I’ve recently been in one of those weeks where I seemed to forget everything that I knew was true about who I am. I can chalk it up to spiritual warfare, however I need to remember the truth. The enemy is merely an errand boy in the hands of a loving God. God doesn’t cause the struggle, but HE certainly uses “what the enemy intends for evil” to bring about good in our lives. (Genesis 50:20)

When I hear the words in my head, “I can’t believe you_______. How can you still struggle with ________? When will you ever get it together? I am going down the wrong road that will swallow me up if I’m not careful. The law produces death.(Romans 4:15) And the words should, must and have to’s are law based. Grace always says, “I want to, because of who I am.”

I’ve never been one to claim that I have arrived or have it all together. Most know I have struggled with depression on and off my entire life. But when you live in Paradise, and you start struggling, you begin to believe that there has to be something very wrong with you.

I was given a book by a new friend on our identity in Christ. The title is “Known” by Aubrey Sampson. It’s been a while since I’ve read anything new on this priceless topic. How refreshing to read the following words:

“The heart’s hunger is infinite,” writes author and philosopher James K.A. Smith. And the reality is, our hunger and hurting souls need constant reminders about who we really are. When I believe myself to be a settled, empowered, and confident adult – it’s astonishing how regularly I catch myself striving, hustling, achieving, posting, earning, doing. Not from joy – from desperation. Due to the stress or fear or discontentment, or maybe just because I didn’t sleep well the night before, I suddenly grow anxious to earn the approval of some ghost, hungry to hit some ever-elusive, ever blurry target of enoughness. Whenever that restlessness creeps in, I have to stop and speak grace over myself: “Breathe, little soul. Slow down, little heart. What are you striving for? What are you after? You already have God’s approval and love. You are already known and accepted. Be loved. Beloved. Or borrowing a phrase from King David’s own self-talk, “Return to your rest, my soul, for the Lord has been good to you.” (Psalm 116:7). I find this to be such refreshing news. Even the forefathers and foremothers of our faith needed to remind themselves of their true names.

Why am I writing about this so-called defeat? So, you will know that no one arrives and that absolutely anyone can fall into these traps. I reached out to a friend when I was hurting, and she graciously helped me see truth. But then I was embarrassed because I had never been that transparent with this friend before. The next day God began to show me things through His word in Philippians 3. Listen to Philippians 3: 12-16: “Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already arrived at my goal, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead. I press on toward the goal to win the prize for, which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus. …Only let us live up to what we have already attained.”

Press on, take hold of, straining toward, press on again, live up to what we have already attained. Those are action words. Usually when I waver, it’s because I have put laws on myself. Therefore, hearing words like you must or should ALWAYS bring me down. So, these action words are important, but they are NOT telling me to do these things out of my own strength. It’s reminding me that the battle is real, and you can’t sit passively by while a battle is underway. I have to REMEMBER that Christ took hold of me. I am not my own. I am His. He lives in me. He is my strength. I merely need to run straight to Him and say, “Help me!” I listened to the lies for three days and was in agony. And then I was embarrassed, ashamed, and self-condemning. That ALWAYS makes things worse. So, I die to what my pride is telling me about how I should be further along, and walk straight ahead with my head held high.

None of us are exempt from struggling. And with each struggle we are growing stronger in our faith as we climb out of the pit by taking the hand of Jesus. I hope this blog helps my friends who are fellow strugglers. I’m praying for you and am here if I can be a listening ear.