Webster’s dictionary defines the word connect as a way to establish communication between; to join, link, or fasten together; unite or bind. Disconnect is defined as an interruption to a connection or to detach.
My last blog talked about the fact that I recently realized I had neglected regularly connecting with myself and how that affected my quality of life. The business of life in 2017, as well as, other circumstances helped create this disconnect. However, there is more to the story.
Eighteen years ago I began waking up in the middle of the night having anxiety attacks. I would have reoccuring dreams of early childhood abuse. I struggled immensely and set out to do whatever it took to get myself fixed! I worked at a ministry as a discipleship counselor so I began counseling with my supervisor. I was quickly led to psychologists and counselor’s which started me on a journey of breaking denial, walking through the grieving process, embracing healing and allowing God to use all that happened to me as a way to help me evolve into the authentic person I was meant to be. This was quite a journey as I watched God heal me layer by layer and in many different ways. He also used many different people. Eighteen years ago I kept asking God for the right formula and even gave him 3 years to do it!
So many times a counselor would tell me that my emotions would not allow my mind to completely go to the event that happened. I was afraid! I was afraid I would end up in a fetal position on the floor like I saw a client do once. But I truly WANTED to cooperate and get free! It was a horrible place to be! I had to accept God’s timing in my life over and over even though I wasn’t happy about it. Now as I look back over my life I understand that HE is a good good Father and that HE knew exactly what HE was doing in my life and in this journey.
As a counselor I know it is important to connect to our wounded hearts emotionally. As I stated, I had trouble connecting because I was afraid. I was also very self contious and did not want to be “out of control” and look weak and vulnerable. There was intense shame in the thought of just letting go and allowing someone else to see me in that shape. You see perfection was the only thing acceptable in my mind and what other’s thought of me always ruled. This is no way to live and God was on a mission to free me.
I had several seasons of healing that brought great growth over the years. However, this year God led me to start working weekly with a life coach on the phone. As we began talking I saw God surface more memories and pain in such a gentle way. Like I said HE is a good good father and knows exactly what HE is doing. Many times in our sessions I would tell her I felt numb.
What I realized is that trauma affected me much more deeply than I ever knew. You see, we reject ourselves and can disconnect from ourselves when we experience trauma as a child. Children are the best recorders but the worse interpretors. Many times they blame themselves for the things happening to them. One particular session I realized that I disconnected from me many many years ago. (So it wasn’t a recent event.). We began to work on that issue and before I knew it I was deeply connecting to the pain of what happened to me. Have you ever thought that if you really allow yourself to feel your pain that you will never stop screaming or crying? Well, it’s not true! Research has shown that deep connections to emotional pain normally will last approximately 90 seconds. I was amazed at the amount of pain that came out of me but also amazed at the deep peace that came over me within minutes. I now realize that being in my own home by myself enabled me to connect to this pain. Only Jesus and my therapist could hear me. It was a unique journey like none other that I had experienced. I now feel a deep connection to myself and truly believe I am finally at the end of this journey.
Why am I telling you my story? Because I believe there are more people than we care to admit that have experienced some type of trauma as a child. This is a very small portion of my story that I will be telling in my upcoming book, “There is a reason.” Friends, if you continue to struggle with anger or depression or other issues, there is a reason for that struggle. Don’t buy into the lie that there is just something wrong with YOU. I also want other’s to know that there is NOT one way or formula that brings healing. As God healed people in the Bible in many different ways, He does the same today.
I want my story to give you hope. I want you to know if you feel disconnected from you that there is a reason and there is healing. I want you to understand that it is God’s will for you to be whole and complete and live out of your authentic self. I want you to love and accept yourself and connect to that inner child in you that so desperately needs you. I want you to experience the life God intended for you to experience. You don’t have to settle. You can have the life you have always wanted. As the song says, we have a good good Father. It’s who He is. And you are loved. It’s who you are! And He will walk with you every step of the way on your journey!