I would love to know how old you were when you learned that relationships are about rupture and repair. Honestly, I never heard that term until two years ago and it stopped me in my tracks. Yes, relationships can be wonderful. Relationships can be challenging. And relationships can be messy and painful. If a relationship never has any issues it makes me wonder which person is not being their authentic self. People are different. People are messy. People have issues. And no one is perfect. Co-dependency can make a relationship look conflict free, but that is not a healthy relationship. One person cannot always be the person that gives in, or hides their true feelings to please the other person. Codependency always puts the other first, but it is at the first persons expense. This is a counterfeit “good” relationship. Appearances are deceiving.

I grew up in a family where relationships were difficult. Almost all of the relationships were a challenge in one way or another. I grew up in a very dysfunctional home. I saw immature ways of dealing with conflict over and over. I lost count of the family members or close friends that I saw leave the relationship to never look back. Seeing that model did some significant damage in my belief systems. What about you? How do you handle conflict? Is defensiveness always your default? Do you find yourself getting offended easily? How easy is it to own your own part in a conflict? How hard is it for you to forgive someone?

When you bring your faith into the equation it can make the dilemma even more challenging. This can sometimes bring shame that you don’t “do” relationships better. I’ve heard it said that hurt people, hurt people. But I have also heard it said that healed people, heal people. We also need to bring into the equation the emotional maturity of each person. We ALL have room to grow in this area. I’ve been in a small group for a year and a half regarding emotional maturity. It’s so encouraging to know that if we did not get what we needed as a child we can actually grow in that area now. But this takes intention and work.

One of the things that gives me hope is my relationship with Jesus. When you know that HE is involved in every area of your life, you can rest assured that everything happens for a reason. Jesus brings beauty out of ashes and helps us to grow through some of the worse pain. Now He doesn’t cause painful things to happen. That is a consequence of living in a fallen and broken world. It’s also the results of some stubborn flesh patterns. But Jesus is always there to pick up the pieces, hold us, talk to us and guide us. He loves to remind us of who we truly are.

When you know that relationships are about rupture and repair you can be ready, and not surprised when conflict sometimes happens. Yes, it will still be painful and bring grief, but the sooner we can learn how to grow and learn how to repair, the better.

We were created for relationships and community. No human being really loves living in isolation or alone. God made us this way. And we have an enemy that will do everything he can to throw a wrench in any intentions God has for us. We often tell couples that you have an enemy but you are not one another’s enemy. That’s also true in friendships. But have no fear. God’s word tell us that, “Greater is HE who is in us, than he that is in the world.” The sooner we understand this enemy really does exist, the sooner we can learn how to be a step ahead of his tactics. He is a liar. He steals, kills and destroys. But Jesus said, “In this world you will have trouble, but take heart, I have overcome the world.” AND He lives in us!

Jesus is the best example of a good friend. The scriptures tell us that there is no better friend than one that will lay down his life for another. Jesus did that for ALL of us. He gives mercy and grace to the most undeserving person. And He wants to be our example, and guide us as we navigate relationships in our lives.

This does not mean we should close our eyes to toxic relationships. There is absolutely nothing wrong with healthy boundaries and making decisions to protect yourself from damaging relationships. But I do believe those are far and few between. We will talk more about this subject in the next blog. Ask your Heavenly Father where you stand in your understanding of navigating ruptures with a healthy repair. ALWAYS be on your toes listening for the Holy Spirit to tell you any lies you are believing. And ALWAYS ask Jesus, “What is the truth?” That’s absolutely the best question you can ask. But make sure you listen after you ask. HE will tell you.