In my last blog, we talked about all relationships will contain ruptures and repairs. As I shared last time, this is not something I learned as a child. I came from a family that ended relationships when there was a rupture. I wonder where they learned that trait. How do you feel when there has been a rupture in a relationship? Many times, there will be grief, shame, regret, or there could be anger. Sometimes there is a digging in the heels that you are right, and you are going to hold on to that right to be right. Other times we may want to take the easy road out and just put the past in the past and move on. Relationships are hard and painful at times, and take work. It’s interesting to see the many times people post a relationship status on Facebook by the words, “It’s complicated.” That can sometimes be an understatement.

Forgiveness is crucial as we walk through our lives. Learning what forgiveness truly is changed my life in my early 20’s. Forgiveness is never saying, “It is okay that you hurt me.” It is saying, “It’s not okay that you hurt me, however, I choose to not hold it against you any longer. I place you in God’s hands. I will allow the blood of Jesus to not only pay for my sin, but also for your sinful act against me.” There is always a debt when there is a rupture. Someone owes someone something. It could just be an apology, but there is a debt. We had a huge debt toward God, yet Jesus chose to pursue us, die for us and pay the debt that we owed God. He is our example when it comes to forgiveness. Learning that forgiveness is a choice, and it is for me, also helped me. I now forgive because it is my true identity to forgive, and because I do not want anything to hold me back from being whole and healthy.

But what if the rupture seems to be unrepairable? One person, without the involvement of anyone else, can forgive and still be set free. But reconciliation takes two people. It takes both people deciding where they would like the relationship to go from here forward. And it is not always possible to reconcile. If someone is not owning their part in the rupture it may be necessary to not reconcile. If someone is toxic and is not trying to grow and change, it may be necessary to remain apart. The choice is truly yours. If you have no desire to reconcile, you are free to make that decision. It can bring relief or grief. To me, the bottom line is always asking Jesus, “Where do you want this relationship to go in the future?” He knows what is best for everyone that is involved.

God has promised to work everything together for our good. Will we trust Him when things just don’t make sense? He is the great physician and flawlessly conforms us into HIS image as we navigate difficult circumstances and relationships. He knows exactly what is best for us and we will grow from our mistakes. Aren’t you glad you don’t have to figure out the difficulties of this life on your own? We live in a broken world so people will let us down. No one has a PHD in relational health. Sometimes God is using the situation to show us things about ourself that we did not see before the incident. And sometimes you are learning how you don’t want to treat someone else in the future. Regardless of what we are learning, Jesus is very engaged in the process of rupture and repair or going your separate ways. Stay engaged with Him and learn all you can learn through the pain.