I recently listened to a podcast by Dr. Rob Reimer and Susie Larson. I am sharing some of the gold nuggets from this important conversation.

Whether it is in your marriage, or in your individual relationships, how would you rate your emotional maturity? Do you believe most of your relationships are healthy? What about your personal self-awareness? On a scale from 1-10, how self-aware are you? Do you see your strengths AND weaknesses, or are their blind spots? Are you consistently growing, or do you believe you can’t change?

What about navigating conflicts? Are you too quick to defend yourself? How do you respond to someone pointing out a possible weakness? Did you know only secure people can receive the truth. Insecure people cannot receive truth. Human Beings can be easily deceived, and many times we are light avoidant creatures. So, I sometimes check with others to see what they think when I have been confronted. Simply ask, “Do you think this is true?”

There are two types of unhealthy people in the world. One that will defend and never own their part in a conflict, and one that is over owning and self-condemning. The latter may deal with hypersensitivity. They walk on eggshells, over apologize and never want to hurt anyone. They want everyone to always be happy. The first type can be unteachable, insensitive and leave behind a trail of hurt hearts. Both reactions are not what God wants for us.

Dr. Reimer said, “You can’t have compassion or empathy if you don’t have self-awareness. And if you don’t have self-awareness, you are going to be self-absorbed, and you will always make everything all about you.” (Ouch! The truth can hurt!)

Are we growing in our sensitivity to the Holy Spirit, so we can be more self-aware?

Sometimes people do not understand how they impact people. Conflict is uncomfortable but never fatal. Pain is what puts the mirror up in front of our faces. Pain can be a precursor to change. Sadly, some do not ever get there.

God faithfully shines His light into our hearts, not because He wants to make us feel bad, but because He wants to make us whole and free. We have to stop resisting the light God offers us when we are hurting.

Sometimes, when I defend myself, I’m deflecting the light that God offers to me as a gift. I am seeing the light as an intruder and I’m trying to keep it out. We have to stop resisting the Holy Spirit and die to our need to defend ourselves. Easier said than done, but this is ultimately how pride shows its hand. Pride is always resisting the Holy Spirit. So, we have to humble ourselves, and that begins with honesty. Humility also makes us more sensitive to the voice of God. Remember God opposes the proud, but He gives His favor and grace to the humble. God is irresistibly attracted to the contrite of heart. The proud will always walk alone. So therefore, I have to cultivate authentic humility which again always begins with honesty and ends with responsibility. In the middle of honesty and responsibility is death to self/flesh. For me, every time I’m miserable, I pick up a book like Francois Fenelon’s book entitled, “Let Go.” I wrestle with what is causing me to be miserable. Sometimes I’m led to apologize to who I need to apologize to, and I own what I need to own. I then get love, joy and peace restored to my soul. I also cultivate new levels of sensitivity to the presence of God.

There should never be one person who is always right and one who is always wrong. The person that is always giving in, is dying on the inside. And if you are always giving in, you are depriving the other person from growing. We must speak the truth in love even when it’s scary. Both must mature and learn to tell each other the truth with honor and respect.

There’s only one way out of conflict and it’s a biblical path. First, we have to die to the old ways of coping. The place “self” (or the flesh) has formed in you… Christ can’t be formed in you. This is why Jesus says we have to pick up our cross daily. We have to start awakening to the fact that we can be a bit self-centered in our flesh. We’re making life too much about us. Here’s my red flag that I pay attention to. The only time I am miserable in life is when I’m making life too much about me. I have never once been miserable in life when I’m making life too much about Jesus, or even about the relationship. When I die to self/flesh, I recover the emotion of the Holy Spirit. And the emotion of the Holy Spirit, (according to Paul in Galatians 5) begins with love, joy and peace. But when I make life about me, I don’t have love, joy and peace. I feel irritated, aggravated and annoyed. I feel like I’m not getting what I want. I’m not getting what I deserve. And I feel miserable.

Walking in authentic humility means we can own our part in the conflict. (Only own the part that you are responsible for. No over owning. And when discussing the conflict, stay on the topic at hand. Don’t go into the museum of old remembered hurts.)

We want to be confident and humble when someone comes to us. The goal is to hold fast to our new identity while we own what we need to own, without it ever diminishing who you are. Remember, in death is life, because the Spirit of God brings resurrection with a more spirit filled life.